Longing!!!

Running down the flight of stairs Tutul could hear her 'Ma' calling after her, "Tutul eituku kheye jaa" (Please have this remaining portion). Her mother tried to keep pace with her holding the plate of left over portion of rice and chicken curry, but she could not. Tutul always comes first in race in her school.  "I don't have time Ma! Rohit ra wait korche! Na gele chole jabe!" ( I have to go mom or else Rohit and co. will leave) Tutul did not wait for her mother's reply and rushed out of their two-storied house at the end of the street. She ran as fast as she could towards their usual meeting point with the chappals in her hand. She forgot to wear them all the while. Gasping for breath Tutul reached their meeting spot, a rugged wooden bench at the right end of the pond. Thank god Rohit, Babloo and Pinky were waiting for her. "Hey you are late" Arpita chirped. "Sorry re" was her usual reply. "Chol shobai ebar" (Let us go!) Rohit said cutting off any further discussion of why Tutul was late and they set out on their rainy day voyage towards the pond. It was their favourite place in the world. They usually spent their lazy afternoons during school break here and on a rainy day like this they would enjoy floating paper boats and doing "Bangbaji" ( a play where each one of them would throw stones at the pond surface in such a way that it should cover the maximum distance and who ever is successful on doing that will win)  Tutul is an expert in this game!!! She always wins!!!

In a hurry while coming out of the home she forgot her paper boats so her only attraction today is to win the 'bangbaji' match against Rohit. Reaching the low, marshy land near the pond they found the place deserted like always!!! Its my favoruite place in the world', Tutul thought! So calm and quiet, with an occasional chirping of some birds! The pond is a respite, a free land amidst the crowded city of Kolkata! The city is growing day by day with large multi-storey constructions engulfing the once less crowded city. All thanks to urbanization. God knows till how long the pond and her surrounding marshy land will manage to escape the eagle's eye of the promoters of the locality! But this pond is their "para's" wealth! The people will do anything to protect her! At least till now but no one knows what future holds in store.  Tutul sometime think when she comes there alone,  “What will happen when I grow up? Shall I come here like I am doing now??? Yes of course! I love this place!!! I would definitely come!” Anyway, now she has to concentrate on the game. It's not easy at all.  Off goes her first stone!!! Woh!! It went quite a distance before getting engulfed by the water. Then Rohit played his shot! It covered a little more distance than Tutul's! Each one of them have five turns before the final result! It was her favorite game. Tutul and Rohit became busy with their 'Bangbaji' while others were busy with their paper boats in the lazy Saturday afternoon.

Tutul was engrossed in the play and did not care to watch her step.  Suddenly with a jerk, she realized that she was slipping down towards the water! 'Splash' she fell on the pond. Oops! Help meee!!!!! She screamed!!! The water is so cold and it’s so scary here.  But her friends were too afraid to move and they simply stood rooted in their place without any help, watching her with terror. None among her friends knew swimming. Tutul realized that the cold water was slowly inundating her. A numbness was swallowing her. She could not scream also so that other people could come and rescue her.  All of a sudden Tutul perceived that she was dying for real. 'All is over, I am dying' she saw her parent's face in front of her!!! Looking at her!!! Help me Ma! Baba! Tutul cried. The cold water was slowly grasping her just like the stones that they were throwing earlier!!! She can't move! She is going inside!!! Everything became dark, she can't breathe..

With a thud Tutul fell, her eyes wide open! Where am I???? She asked herself!!! "Is this heaven or hell" Looking at her surroundings at first she couldn't recognize anything!! Oh!!! I am in my new flat!!! At Toronto!! ' the sudden realization of her staying so away from her home gave her a chilling feeling similar to that of drowning but this was much more scarier!!! I am so far!! Tutul realized! I have been dreaming all the time! I did not die! Her distance and isolation from home sickened her!! She wanted to go home! Return to Kolkata, to her mother, to her childhood days.!! But it was not possible anymore. Her life now is here in Toronto.

Kolkata Skyline from Howrah

With a heavy heart Tutul got up from her bed! Why do I miss Kolkata so much? It was me who came here for a good life. I have a lovely career here, a settled future. Then why this longing? Her parents, her ancestral home, nothing is there anymore. Last year with the death of her mother everything ended. She sold off their ancestral home there. She thought she will never return. Then why does she return back there in her dreams often? Tutul remembered one line from an old Bengali song which means even if you want u can’t return home whenever u want once u leave home! While staying at Kolkata she never realized it. But now she understands every essence of it! Home is where heart is!!! It's the truth that she hates to admit always. It makes her weak. A strong independent woman she is but still a child at her dreams. Perhaps we all are, we never really grow up. Her mind and heart still belongs to Kolkata even though she wants to deny it all the time.

Longing for the home where she would never return wilfully is indeed a painful realization which she can never deny.